The debate in my head about working out or going to my  bedroom had been settled. Obviously, I needed to work out. 

I shook off the fact that my mom didn’t say I love you back to me as I walked to my bedroom to change into my work clothes. The happiness I had felt from seeing my picture in Jake’s car was killed by coming home. I had felt that something was wrong when we approached the house, but truly I never wanted to leave Jake’s company, this was more something between my mom and I had broken tonight. The only new name I was called was a whore and that hit a nerve that hadn’t been stung before. I had no remorse for having sex with Jake. However, I was lying. I was lying to him and myself, he hadn’t taken my virginity, that had been taken from me already. I was embarrassed and always felt dirty when it came to sex. I hadn’t wanted to already have multiple sexual partners, but I did. Perhaps there was some truth to what my mom said. Perhaps, I was in fact a “whore”.

I walked over to my dresser to grab my workout clothes and peeled off the clothes I had been wearing and looked over at my phone. 

I’m home. I had a great night with you baby. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!

Me too. 

It had taken me longer to respond than normal, the ride home for Jake was minutes and he always let me know when he made it back safely. As someone glued to my phone and communication with him the delay in my response was out of character. 

Is everything ok? You seemed a little off when I dropped you off tonight. 

Oh I’m just tired. Everything is fine. 

How could I tell him what was wrong? Do I tell him that my mom and I were splitting apart? I couldn’t without telling him that my mom had called me a whore and admitting that, would, in fact put me in a position of telling him what happened and it felt like admitting that to him took away the connection we built. It would splinter the part of my soul I gave him. This was something I needed to battle on my own. 

I placed my phone down and looked at my naked body in the floor length mirror. I was starring into my eyes. Before going to the hockey game I had done the same before picking out my outfit for the evening. This was a completely different person than had been staring back at me before. The eyes now staring at me were different, the were sad, but there was a deadness inside them as if something had been taken away from me with the fight with my mom. Not part of my soul, but part of my happiness and security. My eyes scanned my body. I had never not noticed my love handles after my mom had pointed them out when I was twelve sticking out from my sides, but they had seemed to shrink over the years. Tonight they were huge and sticking out so far past the rest of my body that it looked like you grab them and move my entire body. My stomach which had never been flat suddenly stood so far in front of my body with a mashed potato appearance that I had never seen. I continued to scan this new body and noticed how thick my thighs were, moved to the side, and realized that even my back had areas of fat. Wondering how that even happens, I slunk back to starting to put my work out clothes on. My mom was right, I was fat. It was disgusting. The Tori in the mirror I saw now resembled nothing to wait I saw before, but I knew that now I knew what I truly looked like. I had been blinded before. 

Throwing on my workout clothes faster than I had ever had before. I had to get rid of all this weight. My mom was right, how could someone be with me, I was disgusting.

My phone lit up. 

Are you going to bed? 

No, I’m going to work out. I haven’t today and need to get a workout in. 

I thought you were tired?

Yes, but I need to get a workout in. 

Ok, if you want to, but it seems a little late for a work out. 

How could he not understand? He had seen me tonight, he had now seen me naked. He obviously knew I needed to work out. 

Dressed and ready to work out I placed my phone in the waistband of my shorts and headed back into the kitchen stepping as silently as I cooked hoping to myself that my mom had gone to bed and wouldn’t be in the kitchen. Why did the workout room have to below the kitchen? 

There was no way to tell if my mom was still awake, the kitchen was still dark, which gave no indication of if she was in the room or not as she lived in the dark. So, I continued my silent walk and opened the door and then I heard it. 

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to work out.” 

“Fine. I thought we would watch a movie together, but fine.”

“I just want to work out before bed.”

“It’s always what you want. I’ll just watch a movie on my own.” 

My head was spinning, how could she think I wanted to watch a movie with her at this point? She just called me fat, shouldn’t I be working out? 

“Ok, well good night I love you.”

“Mhmm” 

That was the second time she ignored my I love you for the night. I promised myself to work out until she was asleep, I couldn’t have another conversation with her tonight. 

I started on the treadmill and ran until I felt like my legs were going to fall off, it wasn’t very far, or very fast, but it was something. I had never been more thankful that there was a tiny tv in the room where I could watch Nick at Nite and escape from my reality. I had my phone with me and continued to text Jake, obviously extending my work out. I did crunches, leg kicks, planks, and then moved on to weight lifting. I had been down there for two and a half hours. I was sweating and at this point I was sure my mom was likely already in bed. So I ventured upstairs, checked for any sign of light coming from the tv, when I didn’t see that I made my way to my bedroom, changed into my pajamas and emotionally and physically exhausted flopped into my bed. 

I’m going to bed. Good Night, I love you. 

Good night, baby. I love you too. 

Trying to hide the pain, wearing those long sleeves no matter the weather.

I smiled to myself as I tried to sleep, glad that someone I loved loved me back. After stirring for a while and not falling asleep I stripped down and looked at myself in the mirror again. I guess I expected that my workout would have solved all the issues I saw in the mirror before I went to work out. All the flaws were still there. I tried to focus on Jake and that he loved me, but all I could think about was my mom. I was a fat whore. I went back to bed and tried to sleep but that wasn’t happening. I opened my drawer and picked up my silver letter opener and slid it over my wrist feeling an immediate emotional release. After a couple minutes of sliding the letter opener up and down my left wrist exhaustion swarmed over me. I was finally able to sleep. 

One thought on “To Unhealthy Coping Methods….

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