The rest of the school year came and went. I was looking forward to summer, but not as much as I ever had before. I had no one but Jed and Grant to spend my time with.
Summer changed nothing except the frequency of our time together at Grant’s house.
I didn’t try to break up with him all summer, I didn’t want to be alone. So, summer came and went and before I knew it we were back to school for our second year of high school, but all the excitement had worn off. I wasn’t excited to be at the school, I was only excited to be around other people. I thought maybe this year would be different.
The last time Jed raped me we were at his dad’s apartment. His dad had moved to Colorado during the divorce to spend time with Jed and his siblings. He had a small two bedroom apartment and Jed was thrilled that his dad was back in town.
Jed spent most of the time at his dad’s house, making up for lost time, and I would come over and sit in the living room/kitchen where I would watch him play video games before we went to his bedroom to watch a movie.
Our visits at his dad’s apartment were the same as the visits at Grant’s house. When we went to watch a movie, I would lay in front of him and he would spoon me. Suddenly he would put a hand over my mouth and I knew what was coming. Every time.
It was a typical night at his dad’s apartment, we had just moved into his bedroom to watch a movie and laid down on the bed. As always, I was dreading what was next, but knew it was coming. I decided tonight to try something new, I would just go to sleep or pretend to be, and I was sure that meant nothing would happen. I would get a night away from home and get to spend the evening in some sort of peace.
The movie started and almost immediately I closed my eyes and started pretending to sleep. It wasn’t long before Jed started to roll me over. Stay asleep. I was dead weight, but that didn’t stop him from moving me, I kept my eyes closed. That’s when he started to kiss me, I didn’t kiss him back, I was asleep. Sleeping people don’t kiss. It didn’t stop him, he began pulling my pants down and clambered on top of me. I kept my eyes closed. Asleep. He pushed himself onto me not caring that I wasn’t even awake. Once he finished, I opened my eyes and confronted him.
“You don’t even care if I’m awake?”
“I knew you were faking it.”
“You did not! You didn’t care, you don’t even need me to be awake!” For some reason the fact that he wanted to push himself onto me while I was asleep. I was just a body to him. I was as good as a sex doll.
“Who cares? I got what I wanted.”
Yup. I was as good as a sex doll. He didn’t need me to be awake, it didn’t matter to him. I knew my feelings didn’t matter to him, he had made that obvious, but to not even need me awake, I was completely disposable.
I left his house that night, crawled into my bed, and cried. I thought that he loved me at least, in his own sick way, but I didn’t matter to him at all. I was just there for him to have sex with and get what he wanted from.
I pulled my letter opener out of my drawer, drew it across my left wrist and felt the release of all the pain I was holding inside.
I knew that my relationship with Jed had to end, I was ready to start trying again, I just wasn’t sure how to make it happen.