First, if you haven’t read my post warning what the next posts will entail, please read this post first

Christmas my freshman year, it was my first Christmas since Jed had taken my innocence.

My hands clawed at the side of the chair, as my feet, then ankles, then legs were sinking into the lava below me. 

“Stop. What are you doing?” It came out in a whisper. The fear in my throat was trapping the sound. 

“Shh. Don’t make a sound. We don’t want to be interrupted.” He was calm and his voice oozed with a smooth unfamiliar echo. 

“Interrupt what? What are you doing?” 

“I want to show you how much I love you. You love me don’t you? You say you do, I want to see it.” 

I couldn’t deny it anymore. I knew what he was doing. I never thought this would happen. He loved me. 

He was still pulling me down the chair. I was sinking, and no matter how hard I struggled it didn’t stop anything. Soon my entire body was on the lava floor only it didn’t feel like my body anymore. It was stiff and rigid. I couldn’t move. 

I saw Ron Burgundy’s face on the large screen in front of me as I felt Jed pull my legs apart. One at a time. He used one hand to grab and move a leg while the other hand held my wrists above my head. When my leg was where he wanted it to be, he placed his leg on top of mine. His shin placed right above my knee  holding my leg in place using his weight. Then he repeated the process with my other leg. 

“Stop. Please.” 

“This is how much we love each other. You love me, you want me to keep me, this is what couples do.” 

“But…” 

“Stop talking. You don’t want someone to hear you and walk in and see you like this.”

Soon he was using only one arm to unbutton my pants and pull them down. He pulled my pants and underwear down above my knees and then he brought his arms back to hold mine in place. 

His hands engulfed my forearms, one hand on each arm, and with his body not only on top of me but between my legs, it happened. 

I was expecting pain, I was ready for everything to hurt, but it didn’t. I was numb. It was the exact same as when a doctor says, you’re going to feel pressure. There was unfamiliar, unpleasant pressure.  

I never looked at him, I watched Ron Burgundy take Veronica Corningstone on a date in his car to overlook the city, before the quotable San Diego line, it was over. 

Jed rolled off of me and started to pull his pants back up. 

“See, I knew you loved me.” His smile made me want to throw up. 

My pants were around my knees, and with my hands finally free, I pulled my underwear and jeans back around my waist. My entire body was sore. I was certain that my forearms were bruised, but I wasn’t sure if there were visible bruises anywhere else, but my body screamed that there should be. 

Before my pants were zipped and buttoned light began pouring in the dark theater room, the door had been opened and Jed was walking outside. I quickly finished closing my pants and straightening my shirt and followed Jed out of the theater room. 

“Well?” I heard Grant ask. 

“Yeah, we fucked. Thanks for leaving the room.”  

The sound of their hands connecting in celebration rang in my ears. 

My heart, which had already dropped, fell even further to the ground. Grant knew. Not only did Grant know, but it was a plan. There was nothing I could have done differently, this was supposed to happen. 

I went to the bathroom. 

“She’s gotta clean up.” I heard Jed laugh as I walked towards the bathroom. They began cackling behind me. 

I walked into the tiled sanctuary, the only place I could be alone. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I stared into the face in the mirror, but didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. The reflection’s eyes were dead, I had always loved my brown eyes. They were big and sparkled, but the person looking at me in the mirror didn’t have those eyes. They were dead. 

I held back tears, looked at my face in the mirror, and tried to accept that this new reflection was in fact who I was now. 

I walked back to Jed and Grant, tried to smile, and the three of us walked back into the theater to finish the movie. 

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. When it was time to leave, I pretended to sleep the entire drive home. My body hurt. My heart hurt. I just wanted to be home. 

Before bed that night Jed texted me, like normal. 

I love you so much and I know now how much you love me. You’re perfect. Goodnight. 

The text message lit up my face. Was this love? It didn’t feel like love. The only thing I did feel was secure. My mom told me over and over again how important sex was in a relationship. Guys will cheat on you with bigger girls because they give better blowjobs. Did you know that one? Relationships end because the girl won’t have sex, won’t have enough sex, or wasn’t good at sex, etc. So, now my relationship must be secure. There was nothing left for him to want, he had everything. 

I went to bed that night, not a virgin, and for the first time wanting in some way to hurt myself. 

2 thoughts on “To The End Of My Innocence…

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