First, if you haven’t read my last post warning what the next posts will entail, please read this post first.
The first time was also my first time. It was unexpected. It was awful. It shaped the rest of our relationship, and it shaped me for forever.
It had become our typical Saturday tradition. My mom would drive me to Jed’s house early Saturday morning and we would drive to visit Grant in Castle Rock. Everything about the day and leading up to the day was normal.
The week at school was a typical week, walking between classes with Jed, being quiet at lunch, and then texting Jed after school all night until I fell asleep. Our texts were normal, he complained about his parents, I complained about mine, and we talked about our wedding someday. We were completely in puppy love. Nothing we talked about was of substance really, we didn’t have that, everything was extremely surface level.
The only other thing we talked about, and what should have been a glaring, huge, red flag, was how he could be having sex with so many other girls, and he would name them. All the girls that he would talk to that I would tell him I was jealous of. Any girl that I had shared any bit of insecurities about, he would name them. Now, was this true, I’m going to say 99.99% chance it was anything but. However, to me, the girl who always felt second fiddle and just wanted to be loved – this was extremely painful.
I told him, repeatedly, that I was not ready to take that step and I didn’t see the need, we spent all of our time together, he knew how much I loved him, I was sure it would happen eventually, but I wasn’t ready for anything more than just our hot and heavy make out sessions. He would tell me he understood and how he didn’t want to pressure me. He told me he just wanted to be “closer” to me when I was ready. It felt safe, he was listening.
Back to that Saturday.
We arrived at Grant’s house mid morning as always. The moms went to the kitchen counter and began pouring their glasses of wine and Grant and Jed went directly to play a round of paintball in the backyard. I curled up in a chair on the patio to watch all the fun that I was not allowed to play in. Their paintball games typically only lasted an hour and then they would switch the video games, and then after about 2 or 3 hours of video games we would all watch a movie. Typical Saturday.
They finished their paintball game, settled in for a couple hours of video games and I sat behind them and ran the occasional snack run between the drunk moms and the video game boys. Again, typical Saturday.
Just as our typical Saturday’s went, it was now time for a movie in Grant’s home theater. The room had dark red velvet pencil pleated curtains curved the top half of the walls, the bottom were painted black. There were four rows of chairs with four large reclining chairs in each row. Each row one step higher than the one before.
Jed and I always sat in the front row in one chair (each chair was big enough to easily fit two people who intended on making out their entire time in the chair), and Grant would sit behind us. It was Grant’s turn to be left out of something.
Anchorman started playing on the tv and before Ron Burgundy could even introduce himself, I was swept up in Jed’s arms, our tongues tangling inside each other’s mouths. We rarely came up for air, and when we did I didn’t even notice that Grant had left the room. Jed did though and he wasted no time in making his move. He slid down out of the chair leaving me falling with a thud onto the pleather of the chair and out of his lap. I looked down to see what happened and that’s when his eyes locked on mine in a look I had never seen. I opened my mouth and whispered, “Quiet” in a smooth and calming manner. My heart was racing a million miles an hour and no part of me wanted to be “Quiet,” but he seemed calm so why shouldn’t I be. I didn’t make a sound as each one of his enormous hands grabbed one of my ankles and pulled me out of the chair.
I stayed quiet, but started clawing at the seat for something to hold me in place as I was being dragged to the ground below me, but there was nothing to help me stay in place.
Suddenly, I was playing a very real game of the floor is lava, and I was losing, desperately losing.