Every year since I was little my mom and I would go on a mother daughter trip. They were always fun, even when we just drove up to Denver for the weekend. My mom would put all her effort into finding a great trip for us and trying to make lasting memories that would bond us for life.
This year, my mom was planning a trip to Washington. We were going to go on a whale watching tour to see Killer Whales, which were my favorite animal. A dream vacation. But going on vacation with her meant being away from Jed. So my excitement was coated with sadness about how much I would miss him while we were away.
I still didn’t have any friends, Jed still walked me to all of my classes and met me at my locker, and ate lunch with me. I rarely even talked to anyone else really, at our lunch table I was often spoken over and when I did have something to say I questioned if it was funny enough, or clever enough, and often ended up saying nothing.
Jed seemed not to have this problem. The brief moments outside of class when we weren’t together I would see him talking to other basketball players or other freshman, and specifically girls. Jealous doesn’t seem to begin to describe how I felt about him talking to other girls. It seemed every other girl in our grade had experienced the same “glow up” that I had that summer, and they were funny and smart to boot. I was sure that Jed would break up with me for any one of the girls I saw him talking to and if he broke up with me, where would that leave me? Alone. I didn’t have a friend group or other people to talk to, if he decided that he wanted to be with one of the other girls, I would be all by myself.
The constant fear of him leaving me for someone else seeped into everything I did, including how I told him about the trip my mom was planning.
“My mom and I are going to Washington and we are going to go to whale watching!” I said. “I will be gone for about a week, but I’m sure you won’t be lonely.”
“Well, if you’re gone, who am I supposed to spend my time with?” Jed said. “I can’t believe you would leave.”
“It’s our trip, we always go on. Besides you have basketball, and your friends, and we can text all the time!” I said reassuring him.
“That and perhaps Joy will want to go to a movie with me while you’re gone.” He said as he started walking with purpose two to three steps ahead of me making me run to catch up.
I knew why he mentioned Joy. Joy was gorgeous, seriously, and nice, and I saw them talking one time and accused him of liking her. At the time he had assured me that he didn’t like her and they were only talking, but he knew that mentioning her would drive me crazy.
“You would go out with Joy while I’m on vacation? It’s just a week, why would you do that?”
“Of course I would. I can’t be alone for a week.” He hit the alone very hard in the sentence. “Plus she has been asking to give me a blow job, and it’s not like I’m getting anything from you. I think it’s great that you are going on a trip.”
I, now sprinting to keep up with his long legs exasperated said, “I won’t go! Don’t do that. You can’t cheat on me. You love me. I won’t go.”
“I won’t do anything if you don’t go, but if you go on the trip, it’s not my fault if something happens.”
That night I broke my mom’s heart when I pretended like going on this trip would be the worst thing in the world.
“I don’t want to go. I’ll miss my friends. It’s going to be boring.” I kept repeating myself, my mom obviously not understanding why I was first giving up our tradition, and second giving up a trip I had really wanted.
“I don’t want to go. It’s stupid, and I don’t want to.” I didn’t have good reasons but I could be a brat about my fake reasons.
“Fine, I’ll cancel the trip. No need to throw a fit.”
I immediately texted Jed. I’m not going on the trip. Everything is fine. Love you!
Things went back to normal, except one thing never did, Jed had for the first time in our relationship brought up anything sexual more than kissing, and I knew I wasn’t ready to take the next step, but there was space between us now. It was obviously on his mind as something that should be happening and I kept hoping that it wouldn’t be brought up again.