With every cell in my body happier than I could imagine I walked back into the kitchen to find my brother sitting on the couch watching TV where I left him. Perfect. 

I sat at the kitchen table, not able to move the smile from my face, not that I was trying, and then I began to overthink. Why would this boy like me? He doesn’t know me. We haven’t talked before. He just wanted to kiss me, I was just a conquest. I may be boy crazy, but I’m not going to be used. I also highly blame romantic comedies for this next part. You see, the woman can say things like, “Why me?” and “I don’t want you to use me” and the boy comes back with lines like “I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” (Notebook and if you didn’t immediately get that quote go watch it). So naturally, when Jake texted me and said I would really like to hang out with you more. I knew, this was my chance to make sure he really liked me. 

I posed my fingers over my phone and responded. 

I don’t want to just be a notch on your belt. I’m not a girl that you can just kiss and then leave. I deserve someone who wants me and wants to be with me. We aren’t even in the same school anymore. You just want to hang out with me because I kissed you immediately and I’m not the girl that will just kiss you. That’s not who I am. 

He responded obviously confused and told me that he wasn’t just wanting to kiss me. But I was in this battle versus myself. I was fully invested now. 

I’m not just a girl you can kiss and then forget, I’m a girlfriend girl not just a girl to kiss. 

While I stand by this, he had already told me that he wanted to hang out with me, so why I dug my heels in so hard is a lesson to work with my therapist about. 

I was convinced that him going to high school meant I would get my heart broken after spending the summer with him. I was convinced that he just liked me because I kissed him right away. I was convinced that this was all wrong, but really I just wanted him to convince me that I was in fact as crazy as I was acting and that there was more to us than just a kiss. 

My crazy pushed him away (to no surprise). He stopped texting me and I didn’t understand but I didn’t dare text him. 

I swore to spend the summer with friends, make friends, and enjoy my summer.

2 thoughts on “Dear Tori, That’s Not Cute…

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